X is 6 years younger than me; he's the little brother I never had.
He's on the other side of the world. We're on a vid call, a regular occurrence since Covid broke out. But this call is different from others. X and his dad are on the outs; X is dating a girl his dad doesn't approve. They haven't spoken in ++weeks. The tension is insurmountable. It falls to Y - his mom - and me to be peacemakers.
Y and I decide it's best to start with a call with X, minus his dad - who is practically my surrogate father.
X kicks off the call, explaining his P.O.V. to Y in his native tongue. He and I were raised to speak our mother tongue when speaking to elders. It's a sign of respect. Though it doesn't stop us from breaking into English at times. Especially when we're triggered. We can't help it. It's easier. Comes naturally. He and I were educated in English at a VERY young age.
Very quickly, the convo gets heated.
Before long, X and Y are shouting. Not at each other. But getting louder and louder, about what the other person did wrong etc etc. Things are going nowhere; it's getting painful to listen to frankly. I interject.
I direct X in English to take a deep breathe. And explain ONE point at a time. Starting with why his gf is so important to him. When he finishes in English, I summarize in our mother tongue for Y - emphasizing points I know will resonate with her; concepts that are palatable to her, given her generation/up bringing/exposure.
I leave out bits that would otherwise inflame the convo. X hasn't yet figured out how to converse prickly topics with elders. Lack of exposure IMHO.
It's a fine balance. To speak plainly and openly - yet authentically without pissing off the other person. The average persons are bad communicators, sorry to say. You'd think the more education people receive, the better their communication skills. Not a chance.
It boils down to whether they're surrounded by effective communicators and if it rubs off. You'll know when you're talking to peeps who SUCK balls at communicating - speaking wise, in writing, picking up social cues, processing speed etc etc - because talking to him/her/them, makes you want to stab yourself in the EYE. It's THAT painful. No joke.
Back to the vid call.
Things are calm for a while. But X can't help himself. He feels he's being subjected to injustice, so very triggered. Before long, the convo is BURNING in flames. I try my best to redirect. To no avail.
X is now pulling out the BIG guns. He goes offense, attacking how backwards the way elders think. F*CK. Point of no return.
I RAISE my voice LOUD AF, telling X - you CAN'T talk to your parents like THAT; they're NOT white.
SILENCE.
No one says anything.
5 minutes later, I wrap up the call. I'm exhausted. The convo has gone on long enough. It's not longer effective for anything else to be shared in the moment. Enough has been said. It's time for each individual party to walk away. Process. Reflect. And hopefully move forward in the next interaction, whenever that may be.
What is talked about next is not important. Rather, it's imperative it stays neutral/positive. Re-establish rapport, that's what my Conflict Resolution instructor called it years ago when I took the course - Dealing with Difficult People - in downtown Vancouver. I was 26. The only one from my sector. Everyone else were business execs in their 50s.
It's only fitting years later, I find myself sitting in a 4th year Business lecture at the university. Branding/Marketing. I fit in no problem. Dressing the part is easy enough. But I'm not registered. Will the prof let me stay beyond the 1st week?
He does.
He even directs the assistant to give me access to the readings and assignments. He's brilliant. Responsive, interactive and memorable. A great dresser too. With a nice head of brown hair.
One day after class, we chat. It leads me to another lecture hall - Social Media. The prof looks like a surfer. He's not as generous as the other prof; I can stay for 3 classes. That's ok - it's social media, not rocket science. I'm Avocado Ninja after all.
The class is not as fast-paced as the other. I get the gist fairly quickly. Pretty soon I'm bored. But one particular concept stands out like neon lights above everything else. It sticks and I swear by it - Interaction Before Channel.
It took me a while to unpack what it means. How it works. Why it works. Lots of trial and error in the beginning, one iteration after another. But I get it now.
Interaction Before Channel is best practice. To anyone interested - try applying it in that order. Do what you can. Though there are exceptions - isn't everything? I can attest to that. Sometimes, beyond our control, we get it backwards. But that's easy enough to fix.
Get my drift?